For most of my life, I used to sleep at two am.
I would blame the struggle on my overbearing mental load, instead of the countless coffee mugs I’d consume between 7 AM and 5 PM to survive my corporate job.
I romanticized the hustle, but romance can be toxic too.
It sounds all nice and rosy, but one must be careful what part of it they’re romanticising because roses have thorns too.
As for me, I romanticized the exhaustion and called it drive. I was wearing the costume of performance entirely for applause and predictably, it got me nowhere. Instead, it put me deeper and deeper into a hole.
A mask kept shedding to reveal that, fortunately or unfortunately, I am not one of those people who lives for the thrill. I have never been the kind of person whose soul comes alive in chaos, or thrive in constant movement and adrenaline. There are people who genuinely love the fast pace, the pressure, the chase, and the adventure of always having more to do. But not me. It never was.
Which is why deciding to wake up at four am, was the best decision for my sanity. And not because it makes me productive, but quite the contrary. It instead allows a space for unproductivity before I start the day. I get to meet myself before the world does, without expectations, or notifications. In these moments, I instead lean into my sensitivity and accept slowness wholeheartedly. Which allows me to dive into the chaotic day later with much vigor and clarity.
It’s like tuning into an old radio, turning the knob slowly until I finally find the frequency to a clear signal of the way I want to live my life. What I want life to feel like instead of what it should look like. And once that signal is clear, I’m ready to face the world’s noise, with one major key difference: to treat it as static background noise.
I’ve started calling my sensitivity as an information center - a guidance if you may - that directs me to become more aligned my feelings; be it with people, situations, or even places. The body’s only way of communicating. And it has helped me understand myself better. I hate waking up with alarms, I love rituals, routines, and small comforts in life. And I do not need much to feel content.
As the say, the algorithm listens to you, I found these beautiful Japanese cinematic vlogs filmed in Hokkaido. An excellent portrayal of the soft life, curated in a peaceful way that makes you want to live better.
Gradually, I also fell in love with the philosophy of Japanese culture. In the way they approach life with purpose, calmness, presence, and appreciation of the smallest of rituals.
I wanted to incorporate some of those aspects into my own life and the biggest and easiest change I managed so far, is having a hearty breakfast in the morning. Mainly soup -I still can’t stomach rice that early, but hoping it changes over time.
I plan to soon curate a list of soups I’ve been loving lately to have in the morning, and maybe share it here. But until then, I hope you find the frequency to a clearer signal of your life’s direction.
- Farha x